Its been rough!

Had a really rough last couple of months. I decided to come off duloxetine as it hasn’t been working even though I’ve been on it 12 weeks and decided to go back on venlafaxine. The only problem with this is I will lose my appetite all over again. You see that’s the reason I came off it in the first place. Venlafaxine for me has been the best anti-depressant I have been on, even though I can’t remember the dose I was previously on I was pretty much stable.

Since coming off venlafaxine and going on duloxetine I have just gone downhill a hell of a lot. I have felt suicidal on a daily basis and I harm is becoming more and more dangerous. I cut myself now on like it’s a daily routine and I hate myself for it but I cannot stop. I cut to feel alive, to drain al the badness out of me, to feel something, to even cope as the physical pain helps to take away my emotional pain. The only problem now is I feel a great urge to cut deeper and deeper each time. It may sound strange and even wrong but I also enjoy the pain I experience from cutting. I also recently got myself a lot of body piercings as the pain just made me feel alive and young. I felt almost like I was reborn all over again.

I have presented myself (well my partner presented me) at A&E a hell of a lot over the last couple of weeks, mostly because I was feeling so unsafe I had no idea what else to do. Twice because I took an overdose, once it was 20 duloxetine tablets and the second time it was 15 sleepers. The ambulance crew had a struggle keeping me awake when I took all those sleepers. I feel bad for it now though as they were my dad’s sleepers and now I have left him short.

On one occasion at A&E I was seen by the crisis team manager and he asked me what I wanted to do, as in what I thought would be the best help I could get at that time as I had been under the services for so long. I did not want to end up in hospital so I asked for the home treatment team. And so I was referred to them and given their number in case of emergency. I of course had no real intentions to phone them and at that time I just wanted to die. All I could think about that night was ways and means of killing myself without putting anyone out of their way.

The second time I was at A&E with an overdose (sleepers) I was seen again by someone from the raid team, and this time she turned round to me and said I wouldn’t be seeing her I was waiting for the on call doctor. Anyway I waited about 10 minutes and she came back and said I am being admitted onto a psychiatric ward and so the nightmare began.

I was escorted by security to the ward, I didn’t want to fight or deny it as the last thing I wanted was to end up on a section all over again so I agreed to an informal admission. I got on the ward, spoke very briefly to staff and went to my room where I just broke down into tiny bits. I was a complete mess. I stayed awake all night, having sneaky smokes in the toilet to keep me going, and tried my hardest to get access to a phone so I could phone my partner Tayler who was also admitted onto a psychiatric ward but at stepping hill hospital which was miles away.

I felt so alone and isolated, my mobile was in the shop so I had to rely on the office phone being supervised all the time while I spoke to Tayler. I could not tell her how I was truly feeling as I did not want the staff to know. After each phone call to her I thanked the staff, went back to my room and broke down into bits. Of course I didn’t last long in hospital as I discharged myself after 2 days.

Right now as im wring this I have a urge to cut deep, when I say an urge I mean its like my body is telling me to do it. Im fighting it but I know I will give in, I just cant stop and it scares me.

Ooops i did it again!

I ended up back in Hospital on Friday after 2 solid days in accident and emergency speaking to the mental health team. On one particular day i was just fobbed off as being unwell due to being let down by the home treatment team. But this was totally wrong, i was genually suicidal with plans! But the team just did not want to know at the time, as far as they were concerned i was just upset that i had been let down, though i have no idea where they got that idea from. Anyway after three days of struggling to cope i finally got a decent doctor in A&E that listened to what i was saying. He quickly got me admitted when he could see how suicidal i was and so i ended up an informal patient at stepping hill hospital all the way in Stockport.

I was only in for two days though as i discharged myself, i had a lot to think about over that 2 days though.

It’s getting out of hand again!

I know it’s a pretty graphic image but I thought I would share it with you. And hopefully remind myself at the same time to not do it, as like the title says, its getting out of hand again. Thats not the only thing that is getting out of hand though, as once again im addicted to codeine! Yes thats right i have been self medicating with codeine for quite some time now, well a number of weeks anyway. Why do i do this? Well the promozine on its own is not helping, and the doc wont put me on anything else. So i tend to just sit back and take codeine all the time when im low in mood, except im now taking it because i need it more than anything.

There is some drawbacks to taking codeine though, and thats the overdosing on paracetamol. Yes it contains paracetamol and yes im taking a hell of a lot, like 16 a day. I have now though self refered myself to the ADS team for help in getting off them. Im also going to speak to my care co-ordinator about getting an appointment with my psych and hopefully get on to something better than promozine. Dont get me wrong the promozine works but it dosnt chill me out when i need it to. I guess im just so used to it now.

The other draw back is i get really snappy when i Havant had codeine, and who else but my loving partner bears the grunt of it. I know its not fare on her but i cant help it. She trys her hardest to help me out and all i do is snap at her. I feel so so bad for this, especially when she is trying to help me. I guess its the codeine talking, my GP used to call it codeine rage. But i never get into a rage. I never do. I just snap a little bit, and cause a small argument. But i wouldn’t say rage!

Nightmares! What to do?

I seem to be getting a lot of nightmares recently and i dont know why. It seems to be centred around losing someone close to me like Tayler. Last night in my dreams i was in the middle of trying to keep a gand of youths out of my flat. Eventually though they got in and went to stab Tayler but i jumped in the way and got stabbed instead and i woke up in a cold sweat. I usually try and stay awake for a while after a nightmare as if i go back to sleep right away i usually end up in the same dream right from where i left it, kind of like reading a book.

My usual nightmares include me dreaming of my girls stuck in a house fire screaming for help, but i cant get to them. This really upsets me as i know i would die to protect my girls. I believe anyone would die to protect their kids. I really dont understand it, i know one thing though, my nightmares are more intense when i dont take my sleeper. I guess it could also possibly be a side effect of some of my medication.

I think i always have nightmares of my girls stuck in a fire as it is my greatest fear of loosing them that way. I cant imagine a more horrible way to go but i know deep down i would die first before letting anything happen to them. These nightmares are more intense when i dont take my sleeper and i have another night without a sleeper tonight as i have run out, so im not looking forward to going to sleep at all.

I really need to see my consultant about getting off the sleepers, they are zopiclone by the way. Im taking 7.5mg every night though sometimes i have to take 2 depending how suicidal i feel. Thats why i have run out early this time around as i had to take 2 a few days ago.

Sometimes i enjoy my nightmares, even though i wake up in a sweat i sometimes want to get right back into them. For example, i had one the other night where i was with a group of vampires and i was fighting them off from turning me but in the end i let them, so i had super powers. It was kind of like i nightmare turned good dream and every time i woke i just wanted to get right back into it. These kind of nightmares i can tolerate.

As a kid there was one particular nightmare i could never shake. It was where i was stuck on a conveyer belt that was going into a furnace and i couldnt move. I could even feel the heat it was that bad. I dont know why i always dreampt of that but i did and it outgrew it pretty fast anyway. Another nightmare i had as a kid was i always got lost in a forest. I could hear my dad shouting me but i couldnt find him and i just got even more lost than at first.

Anyway to sum things off, i get a lot of nightmares, i rarely dream good things. In fact i cant remember the last time i had a good dream. If anyone has any ideas of cutting these nightmares down then please comment and let me know. Also if anyone has any ideas of why i always have nightmares then please comment and let me know.

Venlafaxine WTF!

I have decided to come off my venlafaxine, and its been 2 days now without it. First off i feel unstable so maybe you are thinking i should have stayed on it? And maybe you are right but lets just explain what had happened. First off i was on the maximum dose, second, i have been on it for years apart from a 6 month break last year. Lets just explain what has happened then, I have decided to come off it because i was not feeling stable on it this time around. And every time i have missed a dose anyway it has improved my appetite! Strange dont you think as meds usually make you eat more and put on weight.

When i dont take my venlafaxine, even if its just a day, my appetite explodes through the roof! Plus i dont feel anymore unstable than i usually do. I have made an appointment though to see my consultant next week to get it changed to something else. As for what though im not sure yet as i cant increase my dose of matazapine as it makes me aggressive so what choice do i have when i have tried most meds on the market.

Iv decided on trying duloxetine but at a small dose to begin with. I guess i cant just say im trying it as i need approval off my consultant first. Plus we have to make sure it dosnt interact badly with any of my other meds.

I missed by depot injection today as i got up late. I phoned my social worker to get it sorted some other way but she wasnt in today so i have to wait for a call back now. I hope i dont have to wait till my next one as last time i did that my flashbacks increased a lot.

Heres a pic of me an the misses taken today.

Mediation! Is it the way forward?

My social worker gave me the number for a local solicitors that does mediation services as i want access to my girls. Emily is now 8, Skye is 6, Willow is 5 and Cora is 3. I have decided to do mediation in the hope that Sarah will somehow give in and discuss terms for me to see or at least have some form of contact with my girls. You have no idea how much i miss them and its holding me back mentally not being able to have any sort of contact with them.

Don’t get me wrong, Sarah is a great mum to my girls and i wouldn’t wish my girls to have any other mother, but i have seen a recent photo of Emily and its made me concerned about her health as she does not look well at all. She looks really skinny and resembles someone with an eating disorder! It could just be the way the photo was taken but I’m not sure, its just made me really concerned about her health. I just cant shake the feeling that something is wrong. I’ve also seen photos of the others and they all look well, and happy which is the most important thing i suppose.

This mediation should hopefully be the start of something really good, as much as i need to be in my girls lives its also important that their father is in theirs to. I know i have messed up really bad when it has come to my girls but every one deserves a second chance right? I sure as hell hope Sarah gives me another chance to to prove myself with my girls as i really need it and i think my girls need it as well. I’ve missed all of their birthdays this year so far, don’t get me wrong, i have bought cards and presents but when my mum sent a present down for the girls, Sarah returned it the next day. So i didn’t bother sending mine down.

Well i just hope this mediation is the start of good things to come, as i know Tayler is dying to meet my girls just as much as i want to be with them. I don’t want custody or anything i just access to them in the school holidays and to be able to speak to them on the phone once a week.

On a positive note, Tayler has got herself a job 🙂 I’m so excited for her as she will get to work with kids. It will be at a new playgroup near us as a child care apprentice so i cant wait. She is also excited and cant wait to start. If your reading this Tayler know that i love you so much, and thanks for all your help and support, i know it cant have been easy especially when it comes to my girls but i really appreciate it xxx 

Im finally off it!

Well i have finally stopped one of my coping strategies and that is taking codeine. I just have stop cutting now which i know i probably wont manage but i can try. I have at least cut down on it though which is good. Im so glad im off the codeine, it feels so good. I was taking it on a daily basis and i have managed to stop thanks to Taylers help.

I suppose mostly took the codeine to calm me down but i got addicted to it and that was obviously bad in a lot of ways. One of the side effects which was unpleasant was migraines. I did get these a lot but now im free from them i can function properly again. I do miss the calming effect of them though i must admit.

A night out for a change…

I woke up Saturday morning feeling scared about what the night would bring. I had thoughts and visions of Taylers friends not liking me especially because of our age gap. I also at this point had nothing to wear so a days shopping was in order. I think it was about 4am when i got up and so i went into the lounge and had a smoke as i couldn’t get these thought out of my head. I didn’t have much tobacco left either so i had to make it last even tough i was smoking like a chimney.

I went back into the bedroom and quickly got dressed hoping and praying i wouldn’t disturb my sleeping beauty and thankfully i didn’t. I grabbed the single duvet as it was cold and went back into the lounge and snuggled up on the sofa. All i could think about was what the night would bring, i had thoughts of them looking at me and laughing, talking about me and generally wishing i was not there. After a short while i fell back to sleep and had pleasant dreams of a family me and Tayler will one day have.

I hated waking up about 9am! All i wanted was to go back into that dream of mine and Taylers family, we had two girls and two boys, all under the age of 8. It was amazing, i cant describe the feeling i had when i was around them but it was the best feeling ever. Anyway i went into the bedroom and cuddled up to Tayler who woke up almost instantly with that gorgeous smile of hers. It made me instantly cheer up, after all i would be with her tonight. We smiled at each other for a while and had cuddles before she got up. I didn’t tell her at this stage about my worries for the night but i think she could tell.

After getting ready and what seemed like forever we finally left for town. I was feeling a little better at this stage as after all i was buying a new shirt and a pair of footwear. We almost missed the bus but it didn’t matter if we did as they are every ten minutes or so. It was a hot day and i had my coat on and i was sweating. Add to that the fact i had no spray i was beginning to smell. This brought all the fears of night back and they came flooding in thick and fast. On the bus i was dying to tell Tayler i couldn’t do it but i had to push myself and push myself i did.

After we had spent nearly 200 pound in town we headed home for some pre drinks and to get ready for the night. We got a cheap wine in to drink and i went an got a wash, as there was no hot water i couldn’t get a bath so i filled the kettle and filled the sink and had a strip down wash instead. I got ready in super quick time and hit the wine. After a short while i was feeling a little more better about the night. I guess my confidence had grown because of the drink, though im not really sure if this was a good or bad thing.

At about 5pm we set off, Tayler was to go alone for a meal with her friends and i would meet her later after i had more drinks at my dads. I was feeling to nervous it was unreal. I got to my dads and drank a full bottle of wine, at this stage i was feeling very merry. After about an hour an half i set off to meet Tayler. I walked for about 15 minutes to get the bus and i was so scared i was shaking.

When i arrived i waited outside for half an hour to give her and her friends chance to finish their meals. After 20 minutes or so Tayler phoned me asking where i was so i told her i was outside waiting. She said “no your not, im outside” and i quickly figured out i was in the wrong place on the other side oops. So Tayler told me exactly were she was and i set off walking. I finally found her and we went inside.

She took me to their table and there was a fare few of her friends sat down eating. They all said hi and i said hi back. I was extremely scared and sat down, even though i was merry i was still scared and stared out into space and let them all eat. After a while i went and got me and Tayler a drink, which i must add i needed. It was a double malibu and coke and i downed it in one.

All in all it turned out to be a good night out, my nerves didn’t last long thankfully and we was there for about 2 hours even though it felt like a lifetime for me. I really enjoyed it though and would defo do it again…

The most amazing feeling ever!

Well where to start? I dont really know but i guess i should start somewhere near the beginning. Well you see i met this girl on the ward while i was in hospital. I could never imagine that i would end up being with her, i thought she was well out of my league but boy was i wrong.

It all started a day after i was admitted onto a psych ward. I knew the first instance i saw her i was going to grow fond of her, after all she was so like me. And after a while i came to realise we had so much in common. Im not going to say on here though why she was on the ward as that is not my place to say but we was so alike it was unreal. One thing i noticed about her was she had short hair, now i dont normally go for girls with short hair but she was a true beauty. The second thing i noticed was she had gorgeous eyes, dark brown but and the had a sparkle about them and they emidiately caught my eye. Well that was it i was hooked and from that moment on i couldnt stop thinking about her. I would imagine all kinds of things we would do together but deep down i knew i was fooling myself and i knew that if i fell for her i would probably just make my mental health worse as i knew she would never look at me in the same way.

I tried my hardest all the time to get her attention. I would often sit outside the office near to her room in the hopes she would come out and say hi. I would go and stand near her in the corridor when she was talking to someone. And i would sit near as possible to her in the lounge while she was watching tv. I always tried my hardest to get her attention and now and again i caught her eye but quickly looked away as i was shy.

Anyway after a few weeks we was on leave where we got to go shop for half an hour with a member of staff and she joined us. While the staff was in the shop she walked round the corner and i followed her. She said she wasnt going back and walked off. Naturally i was worried about her so i followed and stayed with her. We hid in a back alley behind the shop till we knew the staff and other patients had gone and then we emerged and begin to plan what we was going to do. We decided we was going to mc donalds and a toy store for a look and off we went. We spent about half an hour walking to the toy store and talked quite a bit. From this moment on i knew she was the person for me but i also knew deep down it could never happen. After the toy store we went and got a drink and made our way back. On the way back we passed the lattics ground and noticed a gate open so we went inside and sat in the stadium for about an hour. We then made our way back.

Back on the ward the police was waiting with staff and the quickly gave us a lecture about what we had done. We had an amazing time though and i would do it again in a heartbeat if i had the chance.

A few days later we ended up swapping phone numbers and we had a game of truth by text message while we was both in our rooms. She asked me if i had a lover in my life or if there was anyone i had a crush on. So obviously i couldnt lie i had to tell her the truth and told her i had a crush on her. To this i was surprised at her reply, she told me she felt the same! I was totally shocked.

We officially got together the day after but had to be careful as it wasnt allowed on the ward. But people quickly caught on to the fact that there was a new relationship blooming.

Nearly 3 months on we are still together and happily engaged to be married sometime in the future. Im deeply in love and its the most amazing feeling ever. I know iv been in love before but this is different, its so much stronger for one and its just amazing.

My Two Main Coping Strategies

I know this may be a trigger to some but i thought i would share my two main coping strategies. The first is overdosing on codeine, this effects me in two ways, first off it makes me feel sick! This is effective when i feel absolutely nothing else. And secondly it relaxes me, this is effective when i feel agitated or similar.

The second coping strategy is cutting myself, first off i dont cut deep and i always cut at an angle to minimise scaring. I cut mostly when i feel nothing and the pain from cutting makes me feel alive. I also cut for other reasons like the seeing the blood is like all the badness draining out of me.

I know these coping strategies are extreme but I do only use them as a last resort. I wish I never had to use them but it is better than suicide…