Its been rough!

Had a really rough last couple of months. I decided to come off duloxetine as it hasn’t been working even though I’ve been on it 12 weeks and decided to go back on venlafaxine. The only problem with this is I will lose my appetite all over again. You see that’s the reason I came off it in the first place. Venlafaxine for me has been the best anti-depressant I have been on, even though I can’t remember the dose I was previously on I was pretty much stable.

Since coming off venlafaxine and going on duloxetine I have just gone downhill a hell of a lot. I have felt suicidal on a daily basis and I harm is becoming more and more dangerous. I cut myself now on like it’s a daily routine and I hate myself for it but I cannot stop. I cut to feel alive, to drain al the badness out of me, to feel something, to even cope as the physical pain helps to take away my emotional pain. The only problem now is I feel a great urge to cut deeper and deeper each time. It may sound strange and even wrong but I also enjoy the pain I experience from cutting. I also recently got myself a lot of body piercings as the pain just made me feel alive and young. I felt almost like I was reborn all over again.

I have presented myself (well my partner presented me) at A&E a hell of a lot over the last couple of weeks, mostly because I was feeling so unsafe I had no idea what else to do. Twice because I took an overdose, once it was 20 duloxetine tablets and the second time it was 15 sleepers. The ambulance crew had a struggle keeping me awake when I took all those sleepers. I feel bad for it now though as they were my dad’s sleepers and now I have left him short.

On one occasion at A&E I was seen by the crisis team manager and he asked me what I wanted to do, as in what I thought would be the best help I could get at that time as I had been under the services for so long. I did not want to end up in hospital so I asked for the home treatment team. And so I was referred to them and given their number in case of emergency. I of course had no real intentions to phone them and at that time I just wanted to die. All I could think about that night was ways and means of killing myself without putting anyone out of their way.

The second time I was at A&E with an overdose (sleepers) I was seen again by someone from the raid team, and this time she turned round to me and said I wouldn’t be seeing her I was waiting for the on call doctor. Anyway I waited about 10 minutes and she came back and said I am being admitted onto a psychiatric ward and so the nightmare began.

I was escorted by security to the ward, I didn’t want to fight or deny it as the last thing I wanted was to end up on a section all over again so I agreed to an informal admission. I got on the ward, spoke very briefly to staff and went to my room where I just broke down into tiny bits. I was a complete mess. I stayed awake all night, having sneaky smokes in the toilet to keep me going, and tried my hardest to get access to a phone so I could phone my partner Tayler who was also admitted onto a psychiatric ward but at stepping hill hospital which was miles away.

I felt so alone and isolated, my mobile was in the shop so I had to rely on the office phone being supervised all the time while I spoke to Tayler. I could not tell her how I was truly feeling as I did not want the staff to know. After each phone call to her I thanked the staff, went back to my room and broke down into bits. Of course I didn’t last long in hospital as I discharged myself after 2 days.

Right now as im wring this I have a urge to cut deep, when I say an urge I mean its like my body is telling me to do it. Im fighting it but I know I will give in, I just cant stop and it scares me.

Ooops i did it again!


I ended up back in Hospital on Friday after 2 solid days in accident and emergency speaking to the mental health team. On one particular day i was just fobbed off as being unwell due to being let down by the home treatment team. But this was totally wrong, i was genually suicidal with plans! But the team just did not want to know at the time, as far as they were concerned i was just upset that i had been let down, though i have no idea where they got that idea from. Anyway after three days of struggling to cope i finally got a decent doctor in A&E that listened to what i was saying. He quickly got me admitted when he could see how suicidal i was and so i ended up an informal patient at stepping hill hospital all the way in Stockport.

I was only in for two days though as i discharged myself, i had a lot to think about over that 2 days though.

It’s getting out of hand again!


I know it’s a pretty graphic image but I thought I would share it with you. And hopefully remind myself at the same time to not do it, as like the title says, its getting out of hand again. Thats not the only thing that is getting out of hand though, as once again im addicted to codeine! Yes thats right i have been self medicating with codeine for quite some time now, well a number of weeks anyway. Why do i do this? Well the promozine on its own is not helping, and the doc wont put me on anything else. So i tend to just sit back and take codeine all the time when im low in mood, except im now taking it because i need it more than anything.

There is some drawbacks to taking codeine though, and thats the overdosing on paracetamol. Yes it contains paracetamol and yes im taking a hell of a lot, like 16 a day. I have now though self refered myself to the ADS team for help in getting off them. Im also going to speak to my care co-ordinator about getting an appointment with my psych and hopefully get on to something better than promozine. Dont get me wrong the promozine works but it dosnt chill me out when i need it to. I guess im just so used to it now.

The other draw back is i get really snappy when i Havant had codeine, and who else but my loving partner bears the grunt of it. I know its not fare on her but i cant help it. She trys her hardest to help me out and all i do is snap at her. I feel so so bad for this, especially when she is trying to help me. I guess its the codeine talking, my GP used to call it codeine rage. But i never get into a rage. I never do. I just snap a little bit, and cause a small argument. But i wouldn’t say rage!

Nightmares! What to do?

I seem to be getting a lot of nightmares recently and i dont know why. It seems to be centred around losing someone close to me like Tayler. Last night in my dreams i was in the middle of trying to keep a gand of youths out of my flat. Eventually though they got in and went to stab Tayler but i jumped in the way and got stabbed instead and i woke up in a cold sweat. I usually try and stay awake for a while after a nightmare as if i go back to sleep right away i usually end up in the same dream right from where i left it, kind of like reading a book.

My usual nightmares include me dreaming of my girls stuck in a house fire screaming for help, but i cant get to them. This really upsets me as i know i would die to protect my girls. I believe anyone would die to protect their kids. I really dont understand it, i know one thing though, my nightmares are more intense when i dont take my sleeper. I guess it could also possibly be a side effect of some of my medication.

I think i always have nightmares of my girls stuck in a fire as it is my greatest fear of loosing them that way. I cant imagine a more horrible way to go but i know deep down i would die first before letting anything happen to them. These nightmares are more intense when i dont take my sleeper and i have another night without a sleeper tonight as i have run out, so im not looking forward to going to sleep at all.

I really need to see my consultant about getting off the sleepers, they are zopiclone by the way. Im taking 7.5mg every night though sometimes i have to take 2 depending how suicidal i feel. Thats why i have run out early this time around as i had to take 2 a few days ago.

Sometimes i enjoy my nightmares, even though i wake up in a sweat i sometimes want to get right back into them. For example, i had one the other night where i was with a group of vampires and i was fighting them off from turning me but in the end i let them, so i had super powers. It was kind of like i nightmare turned good dream and every time i woke i just wanted to get right back into it. These kind of nightmares i can tolerate.

As a kid there was one particular nightmare i could never shake. It was where i was stuck on a conveyer belt that was going into a furnace and i couldnt move. I could even feel the heat it was that bad. I dont know why i always dreampt of that but i did and it outgrew it pretty fast anyway. Another nightmare i had as a kid was i always got lost in a forest. I could hear my dad shouting me but i couldnt find him and i just got even more lost than at first.

Anyway to sum things off, i get a lot of nightmares, i rarely dream good things. In fact i cant remember the last time i had a good dream. If anyone has any ideas of cutting these nightmares down then please comment and let me know. Also if anyone has any ideas of why i always have nightmares then please comment and let me know.


Venlafaxine WTF!

I have decided to come off my venlafaxine, and its been 2 days now without it. First off i feel unstable so maybe you are thinking i should have stayed on it? And maybe you are right but lets just explain what had happened. First off i was on the maximum dose, second, i have been on it for years apart from a 6 month break last year. Lets just explain what has happened then, I have decided to come off it because i was not feeling stable on it this time around. And every time i have missed a dose anyway it has improved my appetite! Strange dont you think as meds usually make you eat more and put on weight.

When i dont take my venlafaxine, even if its just a day, my appetite explodes through the roof! Plus i dont feel anymore unstable than i usually do. I have made an appointment though to see my consultant next week to get it changed to something else. As for what though im not sure yet as i cant increase my dose of matazapine as it makes me aggressive so what choice do i have when i have tried most meds on the market.

Iv decided on trying duloxetine but at a small dose to begin with. I guess i cant just say im trying it as i need approval off my consultant first. Plus we have to make sure it dosnt interact badly with any of my other meds.

I missed by depot injection today as i got up late. I phoned my social worker to get it sorted some other way but she wasnt in today so i have to wait for a call back now. I hope i dont have to wait till my next one as last time i did that my flashbacks increased a lot.

Heres a pic of me an the misses taken today.


Mediation! Is it the way forward?

My social worker gave me the number for a local solicitors that does mediation services as i want access to my girls. Emily is now 8, Skye is 6, Willow is 5 and Cora is 3. I have decided to do mediation in the hope that Sarah will somehow give in and discuss terms for me to see or at least have some form of contact with my girls. You have no idea how much i miss them and its holding me back mentally not being able to have any sort of contact with them.

Don’t get me wrong, Sarah is a great mum to my girls and i wouldn’t wish my girls to have any other mother, but i have seen a recent photo of Emily and its made me concerned about her health as she does not look well at all. She looks really skinny and resembles someone with an eating disorder! It could just be the way the photo was taken but I’m not sure, its just made me really concerned about her health. I just cant shake the feeling that something is wrong. I’ve also seen photos of the others and they all look well, and happy which is the most important thing i suppose.

This mediation should hopefully be the start of something really good, as much as i need to be in my girls lives its also important that their father is in theirs to. I know i have messed up really bad when it has come to my girls but every one deserves a second chance right? I sure as hell hope Sarah gives me another chance to to prove myself with my girls as i really need it and i think my girls need it as well. I’ve missed all of their birthdays this year so far, don’t get me wrong, i have bought cards and presents but when my mum sent a present down for the girls, Sarah returned it the next day. So i didn’t bother sending mine down.

Well i just hope this mediation is the start of good things to come, as i know Tayler is dying to meet my girls just as much as i want to be with them. I don’t want custody or anything i just access to them in the school holidays and to be able to speak to them on the phone once a week.

On a positive note, Tayler has got herself a job 🙂 I’m so excited for her as she will get to work with kids. It will be at a new playgroup near us as a child care apprentice so i cant wait. She is also excited and cant wait to start. If your reading this Tayler know that i love you so much, and thanks for all your help and support, i know it cant have been easy especially when it comes to my girls but i really appreciate it xxx 

Im finally off it!

Well i have finally stopped one of my coping strategies and that is taking codeine. I just have stop cutting now which i know i probably wont manage but i can try. I have at least cut down on it though which is good. Im so glad im off the codeine, it feels so good. I was taking it on a daily basis and i have managed to stop thanks to Taylers help.

I suppose mostly took the codeine to calm me down but i got addicted to it and that was obviously bad in a lot of ways. One of the side effects which was unpleasant was migraines. I did get these a lot but now im free from them i can function properly again. I do miss the calming effect of them though i must admit.